Sometimes the words you need have been written by someone else. And your job is simply to open up your heart to them and let them guide you. I experienced this today as I listened to someone read "Yesterday, I Cried," by Iyanla Vanzant.
Working in several predominately male professions where crying is more often associated with a weakness, I am toren by my need to be viewed as competent and strong, and my need to be true to my nature. I will admit it - I am a crier. It provides a release for me that is essential to my emotional health and strength. I am stronger because I cry.
Sometimes. But selling that to a society in which crying is associated with shame is a little more difficult. And more often than not I find myself cloistered in the bathroom with the rest of the women staff, dabbing my eyes with rough toliet paper, and trying to look like I haven't been crying.
So, until some great societal shift happens - for all you criers out there - grab a tissue and settle down for a good release - I give you this poem.
Yesterday, I Cried
Angel Without Wings
By Iyanla Vanzant
Yesterday, I cried.
I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed, kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra, and I had myself a good cry.
I'm telling you, I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.
I want you to understand, I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried, For all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry.
I cried for all the days, and all the ways, and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected my Self from myself, only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others did to me the same things I had already done to myself.
I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen; for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up; for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away, to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.
I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry.
Yesterday, I cried. I cried because little boys get left by their daddies; and little girls get forgotten by their mommies; and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave; and mommies get left, so they get mad.
I cried because I had a little boy, and because I was a little girl, and because I was a mommy who didn't know what to do, and because I wanted my daddy to be there for me so badly until I ached.
Yesterday, I cried. I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place, and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.
I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know that my soul knew everything I needed to know.
I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming, Because Yesterday, I cried with an agenda.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
Date night
Tonight was date night. It's nice I get dressed up, go to dinner, a movie. Sometimes, I even make a pass at myself. Who knows I might get lucky, right? So, I took myself to see The Lake House at Celebration! Cinema Grand Rapids - North.
It was a remake of a 2000 Korean film "Siworae" directed by Hyun-seung Lee and Ji-na Yeo. And we all know how much I love Korean films! or foreign films period. Total chick-flick. But sometimes you just need an excuse to cry that has nothing to do with the shambles your life is currently in.
The movie wasn't bad. A lonely doctor, played by Sandra Bullock, who once occupied an unusual lakeside home, begins exchanging love letters with its newest resident, a frustrated architect, played by Keanu Reeves.
Sounds simple enough? Nope.
Bullock's character, Kate Forster is corresponding from 2006. And Reeves' character, Alex Wyler, is corresponding from 2004. Just to recap: 2006, 2004. These time periods aren't exactly mutually exclusive.
However, Bullock's character still exists in the 2004 time period that Reeves is communicating with Kate Forster from and vice versa.
Now it gets a little complicated. So pay attention. See the 2006 Forster can tell Wyler where she was in 2004, and Wyler can cross her path, but the 2004 version of Forster will have no clue who he is.
Clear as a pane of glass, right?
So for them to actually met, the 2006 version of Forster has to figure out where the 2006 version of Wyler is so that they can meet in the present. Seriously, it's not that complicated.
Even though this is impossible, it's clearly amazing and horribly romanic. Exactly my kind of film
Bullock and Reeves are believable. I found myself identifying with their characters' isolation, with their frustration, and with their desire to connect.
(If you don't want the movie ruined for you don't read beyond here)
The plot was predictable.
I knew the moment she ran across the street from Daley Plaza in Chicago that it was him, laying in the street. I knew it was him she had tried to save that Valentine's Day in 2004. It couldn't have been anyone else in a story about time-crossed lovers.
However, by the end I was holding my breath with the rest of the theatre - wondering would he get her note? Would he wait two more years ... or would he rush to Daley Plaza, run across the street and die, leaving her heart-broken in 2006 clasping a mailbox.
It was a nice break after a long day.
I got up at 6 a.m. to interview a source at 7 a.m., ran to work, had five stories dumped in my lap as I was waiting for Gov. Jennifer Granholm to veto the bill to repeal the helmet law in Michigan. (Two reporters were out Friday)
Well, I managed to finish four of the stories and the A-1 package piece about the helmet law for Saturday's front page before I hit overtime. Exhausted it's easy to loss hope. Hope that you will survive another day, hope that you will find a better job, hope that you will find your soul mate.
This movie gave me the hope to hold on just a little while longer - if only for a moment.
Good night.
It was a remake of a 2000 Korean film "Siworae" directed by Hyun-seung Lee and Ji-na Yeo. And we all know how much I love Korean films! or foreign films period. Total chick-flick. But sometimes you just need an excuse to cry that has nothing to do with the shambles your life is currently in.
The movie wasn't bad. A lonely doctor, played by Sandra Bullock, who once occupied an unusual lakeside home, begins exchanging love letters with its newest resident, a frustrated architect, played by Keanu Reeves.
Sounds simple enough? Nope.
Bullock's character, Kate Forster is corresponding from 2006. And Reeves' character, Alex Wyler, is corresponding from 2004. Just to recap: 2006, 2004. These time periods aren't exactly mutually exclusive.
However, Bullock's character still exists in the 2004 time period that Reeves is communicating with Kate Forster from and vice versa.
Now it gets a little complicated. So pay attention. See the 2006 Forster can tell Wyler where she was in 2004, and Wyler can cross her path, but the 2004 version of Forster will have no clue who he is.
Clear as a pane of glass, right?
So for them to actually met, the 2006 version of Forster has to figure out where the 2006 version of Wyler is so that they can meet in the present. Seriously, it's not that complicated.
Even though this is impossible, it's clearly amazing and horribly romanic. Exactly my kind of film
Bullock and Reeves are believable. I found myself identifying with their characters' isolation, with their frustration, and with their desire to connect.
(If you don't want the movie ruined for you don't read beyond here)
The plot was predictable.
I knew the moment she ran across the street from Daley Plaza in Chicago that it was him, laying in the street. I knew it was him she had tried to save that Valentine's Day in 2004. It couldn't have been anyone else in a story about time-crossed lovers.
However, by the end I was holding my breath with the rest of the theatre - wondering would he get her note? Would he wait two more years ... or would he rush to Daley Plaza, run across the street and die, leaving her heart-broken in 2006 clasping a mailbox.
It was a nice break after a long day.
I got up at 6 a.m. to interview a source at 7 a.m., ran to work, had five stories dumped in my lap as I was waiting for Gov. Jennifer Granholm to veto the bill to repeal the helmet law in Michigan. (Two reporters were out Friday)
Well, I managed to finish four of the stories and the A-1 package piece about the helmet law for Saturday's front page before I hit overtime. Exhausted it's easy to loss hope. Hope that you will survive another day, hope that you will find a better job, hope that you will find your soul mate.
This movie gave me the hope to hold on just a little while longer - if only for a moment.
Good night.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Reality comes in a 20oz. cup
The breath of youth still clings to your face in the morning
Eyes deep set in the looking glass wondering what happened to it all
The clock ticks
the youth, the passion, the fervor
loving with empty arms
hitting snooze over and over again
Still clinging still Clinging
to the ones lost in early morning dreams
Cracked open by the ringing of the alarms
Brushing teeth quickly
You flee the apartment
Eyes deep set in the looking glass wondering what happened to it all
The clock ticks
the youth, the passion, the fervor
loving with empty arms
hitting snooze over and over again
Still clinging still Clinging
to the ones lost in early morning dreams
Cracked open by the ringing of the alarms
Brushing teeth quickly
You flee the apartment
Saturday, June 17, 2006
blow dry
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Gourmet Sloppy Joe
After working out at Curves I headed to the Supermarket to get salad for dinner but all of a sudden started craving Sloppy Joes. Odd because I don't eat mammal an intrigal part of the Sloppy Joe's make up. But I spied a box of Boca Meatless Ground Burger, dropped it into my basket and headed home.
I totally kitsched the sloppy - added a touch of cumin, paprika, and chile powder - it tasted good!
Added a glass of Herding cats chenin blanc from South Africa! And it's the perfect gourmet meal!
Monday, June 12, 2006
Trailer!
Honey, I gotta get me down to the trailer park and get me one of them there dollies. Found this on http://www.trailertrashdoll.com/ - it was too friggin funny! Had to share.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Me and Swager
Moving on is always hard - even when it's your own decision. It was my last drill with the 126th Press Camp Headquarter in Battle Creek. Next month I'll start drilling with the 318th Public Affairs Detachment in Chicago. I'll miss everyone. It was a hard decision to make but there are more opportunities for me with the PAD in Chicago.
Friday, June 02, 2006
A desk of her own
In an exstended essay, A Room of One's Own (1926), Virginia Woolf wrote, "a woman must have money and a room of her own if she is going to write."
I will go one step further I will say she needs a desk of her own. While working on Saturday's A-1 centerpiece on Yard Sales I saw this desk and fell in love. I swooned like an old Victorian woman, I knew it would be perfect for me. But alas it was out of my price range.
I decided to chance it anyway. Isn't anything worthwhile, worth a risk? I offered $100 and apologized that it was all I could afford. The woman holding the yard sale said she would talk to her mother-in-law, who was selling the desk.
Three days later I got my answer, yes. I was so excited. I can't wait to get organized. I'm tired of blogging from the couch, tired of my to-do piles spread throughout the house. Now, I have a chance get my life in order.
I plan on spending hours blogging from this desk, hours writing down my personal thoughts, and reaching out to the people I love.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
I totally got flocked
I totally got flocked! It was so cool.
After the Allegan County commissioner meeting I found 10 plastic pink flamingos had landed on my desk. In May, I wrote about the Ottawa County Mentoring Collaborative's Flamingo Flocking fundraising campaign. http://hollandsentinel.com/stories/052206/local_20060522013.shtml
For a donation, volunteers from the collaborative will plant for you anywhere in Ottawa County a group of pink birds, known as a stand of flamingos, in someone's lawn or office space. But when I called up the collaborative office to find out who flocked me - I was told it was anonymous. Anonymous, huh? A secret admirer, maybe? Ummm. The potential, the mystery, the possibilities!
I was giggly the rest of the day. It totally lifted my spirits. Who ever you are out there, thank you. It made what had been a really hard week much brighter!
And if you'd like to flock someone - here you go. It's for a good cause.
For a donation of $20 to the Ottawa County Mentoring Collaborative, a flock of 20 pink plastic flamingos can be placed in someone's lawn. For $35, a super-size flock of 40 flamingos can be purchased. And a donation of $10 will put a flock of 10 flamingos in an office or indoor space of your choice. The flock will rest in the yard or office for one or two days before flying off to visit the next unsuspecting victim.
The flamingos will be available in Ottawa County until July 15. Order forms are available at area mentoring agencies, including the MSU Extension office in Grand Haven or call Schleede at (616) 846-8250.
After the Allegan County commissioner meeting I found 10 plastic pink flamingos had landed on my desk. In May, I wrote about the Ottawa County Mentoring Collaborative's Flamingo Flocking fundraising campaign. http://hollandsentinel.com/stories/052206/local_20060522013.shtml
For a donation, volunteers from the collaborative will plant for you anywhere in Ottawa County a group of pink birds, known as a stand of flamingos, in someone's lawn or office space. But when I called up the collaborative office to find out who flocked me - I was told it was anonymous. Anonymous, huh? A secret admirer, maybe? Ummm. The potential, the mystery, the possibilities!
I was giggly the rest of the day. It totally lifted my spirits. Who ever you are out there, thank you. It made what had been a really hard week much brighter!
And if you'd like to flock someone - here you go. It's for a good cause.
For a donation of $20 to the Ottawa County Mentoring Collaborative, a flock of 20 pink plastic flamingos can be placed in someone's lawn. For $35, a super-size flock of 40 flamingos can be purchased. And a donation of $10 will put a flock of 10 flamingos in an office or indoor space of your choice. The flock will rest in the yard or office for one or two days before flying off to visit the next unsuspecting victim.
The flamingos will be available in Ottawa County until July 15. Order forms are available at area mentoring agencies, including the MSU Extension office in Grand Haven or call Schleede at (616) 846-8250.
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