fast - day two

I'm sitting on the couch, surrounded by cats, tears flowing down my face. I just finished Mitch Albom's "for one more day." He's books seem to come when I need them most. I read "Tuesdays with Morrie" after my university mentor, Hank Trewhitt, had died. I read his "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" when I flew to Oregon for my grandfather's funeral. And now more than a year after my mother's death, I find "one more day" sitting on the table Sunday at my favorite bookstore in Holland.

I picked it up this afternoon and read straight through until just now 11 p.m. It's a story of a man who needed "one more day" with his mother to tell her how much he loved her, how sorry he was and to forgive himself.

Feeling rather "low" currently. Actually, down right depressed - so much that I didn't even notice being hungry today and consumed less liquads than the day before and my neck hurts so badly I can barely breathe from the tension and stress I'm hording in it. All of that combined -
the line that resonated most with me was on page 73 when his mother says "So," she said, moving away, "now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of themselves as a burden instead of a wish granted."

I don't know when I'm supposed to get over my mother. I've tried reading self-help books, I've tried writing essays, I've tried therapy but nothing seems to fill that emptiness left by her absence in the world.

We didn't have a good relationship. And although I know she loved me, I also know that I suffered for that love. My childhood was a monument to that suffering - her's and mine. The abuse was bloody, leaving marks both physical and emotional, many which I still bear.

But I have to say some of that emptiness is my own unwillingness to forgive myself like "Chick" in the book for what I did to my mother - for all the years I refused to talk to her, for all the times I wished her dead.

I know there is nothing I can do or say to change that but if I had one more day - one day with her being sober and coherant I'd like to have a conversation with her.

The fast - day one

The fast started easy - a little hunger but not too bad.
The hunger helped me focus, an important aspect of the seven days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, on how I don't want to be reactive; I don't want to judge in the next year.
And more personally: I don't want to be a slave to what people think of me.
Changing your life and how you view it is hard. Deciding who you want to be, how you want to see yourself is even harder.
But it can be done.
Part of that on Monday was returning to Curves. I've been exercising regularly for about six months partly for my own sanity and partly to prepare me for possible deployment to Iraq or elsewhere. But in the last couple weeks with the stress of work mounting I've been slacking off finding it difficult to fit it in between interviews and council/committee meetings. I know that to be truly committed I have to make it a permanent part of my schedule - not just fit it in. So, I will start getting up early and going before work at 6 a.m. to 7 a.m. So, I don't have to stress during the day when my schedule doesn't allow time for the miracle 30 minute workout.
The hunger has also highlighted how hungry I've been for intellectual simulation. It's so easy when you come home exhausted - your brain a scramble - to sit in front of the television and be a vegetable.
I finished China Mieville's Iron Council last night and it felt good. (I prefered his earlier books - Perdido Street Station and Scar to this his latest effort - just incase you care)
I promised myself to tackle the ever growing tower of books on my nightstand. Some are fiction; some are books for work like Mathematics for Journalists or Statistics for Dummies. But all are necessary if I want to continue to grow, learn and understand the world around me.
For now the fast seems to be doing what it was intended to do - helping me clarify who I want to be in the next year and remember that not all people work from a place of light and peace.
Most important I'm not responsible for their actions. I'm only responsible for my own.
Peace.

The last meals

apple bread french toast with syrup, fruity pepples, apple with honey, pizza, two glasses of Blushing Monk beer at Founders.
(I'm a beer mug club member - # 242 - I love numbers that balance out. 2 + 2 = 4, 4/2 = 2 - I love balance in my life."
In the spirit of Rosh Hashanah I have decided to fast until Yom Kippur, next Monday. It'll be a seven day fast. It's a moderate fast - I'm allowed liquid and apples (in the spirit of the New Year celebration).
Traditionally, during the holiday you should meditate and envision what you want your life to look like in the next year.
My mother died soon after I took the job at The Holland Sentinel and since then I really haven't been myself. (I've tried to write about it but it's too soon I guess) I mourned, like an obedient daughter, I sat shiva, I mourned for a year - not going out, celebrating, living a life on mute.
I've been working at The Holland Sentinel for two years and that's a long time ... but I made myself a promise this year that I would start doing things again.
Today I got up early and drove out to Crane Orchards and U-Pick in Fennville to eat breatfast and pick apples - I picked Jonathans, Fuji and Golden Supremes. I went to hear U.S. Rep. Pete Hoekstra, R-Holland, explore the current political situation in the Middle East with an emphasis on Israel. And then I had a couple of beers while exploring website options. (new updates to come soon)
All part of my new future.
I guess what I see for myself in the next year is a stronger, more confident self, who waits for what she deserves, someone who asks for what she deserves, someone who doesn't accepts scrapes. A successful me. A less afraid me. Someone with a good job - a job where I am happy and financial secure enough to buy a house and adopt a child. A future where I am loved.
VAV VAV LAMED
I use this Name to unleash the power of mind over matter, soul over ego, and the spiritual over the physical. My goal is not to renounce the physical world but to eliminate its control over me and become the true captain of my own fate. Everything becomes possible!
I can
I'm doing
I can do anything I set my mind to
I love me
Too an easy fast and to making some tough decisions.

Response to Huang's column

After reading Huang's column the thoughts I've had rattling around in my head for weeks now begin to clarify and push themselves out.
Only two years out of graduate school I watch my as my friends flee: photographers putting aside their cameras, reporters their pens for higher paying in public affairs or advertising. Some so burned out that they've taken waitressing or retail jobs just to tide them over as they lick their wounds and heal.
For me, nominated by those same peers as least likely to sell out, I feel as if I have one foot in what I thought my future would be and another foot in what I want my future to be.
As a little girl, while my peers dressed up as princesses and held tea parties, I dreamed of being a journalist. I would run through the house, dodging imaginary bullets, paper and pen in hand, determined to get the story. I can not imagine being anything else. From the time I wake-up until the time I force my body to sleep at night I see the world with the eyes of a journalists. Everyone, everything, every experience a possible story.
And terrified that I will not have the rigor it takes to stay as I watch our newsrooms being dismantled. Sold off to the highest bidder. I agree with Huang that part of journalism, part of being a good journalist, is being uncomfortable and I wonder if I am brave enough to see a different future to myself - one that may not include journalism.
And I have to wonder when we, as journalists will say, "enough" and fight for profession, fight for ourselves and the passion that inspired us to be watch-dogs, to be the voice of the voiceless, to fight for those who could not fight for themselves or what ever other cliche' you'd like to plug in here.
I have to wonder why people who are so willing to stick up for others are so unwilling to stand up for themselves.
I have great respect for the people at the L.A. Times, people who have said that they are not willing to dismatle their newsroom for the sake of an increased profit line. Becaues we all know it's not the papers aren't making money, it's that the leadership wants to make more money.
When is enough, enough?
Olivia

What I do for the Army

So, if anyone was wondering what I do for the U.S. Army - well, I'm a journalist or more correctly a 46Q. It's nice to have synergy somewhere in my life. Not that it really helps. This is the most recent article that I worked on - it was for a health issues magazine our unit put together which I helped edit. Enjoy.

Spc. Olivia Cobiskey
318th Press Camp Headquarters

Chicago -- Master Sgt. Emilia G. Shumpert didn't eat the rabbit or the rattle snake during her survival course.
"I survived on wild spinach, pine needle tea, and ant eggs," said Shumpert, who has been a vegetarian for nearly four decades. "I was very weak and hallucinated a bit by the end of the week."
With longer deployments Soldiers like Shumpert, who for philosophical, religious, or medical reasons do not eat certain foods, are having to make some tough choices?
The hardest is when to compromise those beliefs. Shumpert said she fell off the "veggie wagon" for a couple of years after basic training in 1985.
"I've been an ova-lacto, pesce vegetarian since the late-70s," Shumpert said. "(But) I was so hungry and the drill sergeants didn't give you much of a choice."
So, she decided to start eating meat during basic training. However, she quickly returned to a diet that doesn't include meat. And remained one even though she later married a "carnivore."
"I just cook two different items most days. I decided to become a vegetarian somewhat for health reasons, but mostly for environmental and humane concerns. Factory Farms continue to pollute our waterways and destroy our land," Shumpert said. "Also, if you don't eat your dog or cat then why eat your lamb, or pig? They feel pain too."
She even managed to stay a vegetarian while deployed to Argentina, beef capitol of the world.
"I survived on bread, cheese and wine, salads, and onion and cheese empanadas," said Shumpert, who is currently NCOIC for Recruiting and Retention Joint Forces HQ New Mexico.
While Shumpert found local fare that met her dietary needs, for some being deployed means eating MREs at least once a day.
MREs, individual Meal, Ready-to-Eat have long been the source of ridicule from "Meals Rejected by Ethiopians" during the 1980 when a famine ravaged Ethiopia and killed nearly one million people or more recently "Three Lies: It's not a Meal, it's not Ready, and you can't Eat it."
The military has worked on improving the meals increasing choices from 14 in the 1980s to the 24 currently available, offering more exotic entrees like Chicken Tetrazzini, Jambalaya and Penne with vegetables and sausage in spicy tomato sauce. However, unlike a restaurant a Soldier can not ask the kitchen for substitutions or changes to the meal.
Army Regulation 40-25 (AR 40-25), Nutrition Standards and Education, published in June 2001, recommend 3,250 calories for male and 2,300 calories for female Soldiers, respectively, when they engage in moderate activity typical of most Soldiers. However, some Soldier's needs increase during military deployment, perhaps as high as 4300 calories a day or even higher for some active male Soldiers whose military duties are very physically demanding like infantry or combat engineers.
"No one calorie level meets every Soldiers' needs. Caloric requirements vary depending on sex, age, body size, and especially physical activity of military duties. The vast array of jobs Soldiers do, cause individual caloric requirements to differ widely," said Holly McClung, MS RD, Research Dietitian, Military Nutrition Division, U.S. Army Research Institute of Environmental Medicine in Natick, Massachusetts. "However, Soldiers with relatively sedentary jobs, even when deployed require fewer calories. For these Soldiers deployment may interfere with exercise programs, and weight gain may become a problem. Both weight gain and excessive weight loss impedes the performance of our Soldiers during deployment and therefore Soldiers need to learn to adjust intake to maintain stable body weight."
For soldiers who are vegetarian this makes getting enough protein a serious concern.
However, MREs are not the only source of nutrition for most Soldiers during deployment, McClung said.
"Typically one MRE is consumed at lunch with a more traditional meal eaten for breakfast and dinner," she continued.
The Military Recommended Daily Intake (MDRIs, listed in AR 40-25) for protein ranges from 0.4 to 0.7 grams of protein per pound body weight, or about 50 grams of protein for a small woman to about 120 grams of protein for a large male, McClung said. One MRE provides about 30 grams of protein per meal. And four vegetarian MREs are available - cheese and vegetable omelet, veggie burger in BBQ sauce, cheese tortellini and vegetable manicotti - which also each provide 30 grams of protein per meal.
Major protein sources within the vegetarian MRE meals range from the main entree (8-22 g protein/serving), sport bars (3-9g/bar), nut mixes/butters (8-14 g/serving), cheese spread (5-6 g protein/serving) and dairy shakes (20 g/shake).
However, while some vegetarians, lacto-ova, eat dairy produces others, vegans, don’t eat any animal products at all.
"Although the MRE provides the required protein, whether the Soldier actually eats it depends on the type of vegetarian restriction, lacto-ova vs. vegan, and individual likes and dislikes," McClung said.
Shumpert isn't a fan of the vegetarian MREs calling them "bland."
"I almost prefer a regular MRE that has peanut butter, crackers and cheese spread," said Shumpert, a member of the New Mexico National Guard. "I'm 5 foot 3 inches and 130 pounds, so for me those are enough calories to keep me going."
However, sometimes she carries protein bars, just incase.
With only four vegetarian choices in the traditional MREs units with Soldiers who keep kosher or halal have to order specially made MREs for their soldiers.
Kosher law is based on the tenets of the Old Testament book of Leviticus and regulates the preparation and cleanliness of food. The word kosher is an adaptation of the Hebrew word meaning "fit" or "proper."
Kosher products not only fulfill the dietary laws of "kashrut" for Jews, but meet the requirements of Muslims and some Seventh-day Adventists who follow similar dietary restrictions. One of the main requirements of "kashrut" is the separation of meat and dairy. So, many vegetarians looking for products that contain no animal by-products look for the dairy kosher products.
Muslims also will purchase kosher-certified food. However, even though both religions forbid the consumption of pork, Islam also forbids the consumption of alcohol. Food manufacturers use ethyl alcohol to create powdered products or dissolve flavoring which would make the final product "unclean" according to Islamic dietary law.
The kosher MREs are produced by a Chicago-based company My Own Meal® which has created and supplied the US Military with its kosher ration needs since Desert Storm, the first Gulf War.
According to the My Own Meal® website kosher military rations are not like standard military-issue rations. Unlike standard MREs, components in the kosher military rations are commercial products in commercial packaging with brand names you know. Unlike standard MREs which are produced and then stored for about 3 or more years before being sent to our men and women in the armed services to eat in the field, My Own Meal® kosher rations with names like My Kind of Chicken, Chicken Mediterranean, Chicken & Noodles, Chicken & black Beans, Beef Stew, Old World Stew, Pasta with Garden Vegetables, Vegetarian Stew, Cheese Tortellini, and Florentine Lasagna are assembled and shipped to sailors, soldiers, airmen/women, and marines to enjoy right away.
One of the perks of kosher MREs is they offer an entire case, 12 meals, of vegetarian entrees. The case includes six dairy meals and six pareve (non-dairy) meals. The My Own Meal entrees are also a great option for Soldiers with allergies to wheat, dairy, eggs, nuts just to name a few.
McClung said Soldiers can develop allergies as adults. Soldiers are advised to read food labels before consuming MRE foods. All MRE components have food labels similar to those on grocery store food which list serving size and content: calories, fat, carbohydrates, protein, vitamin and minerals. In addition, all MRE manufacturers now list the eight most allergenic ingredients: wheat (gluten), milk, eggs, peanuts, tree nuts, fish, shellfish, and soy that are in food on the food label.
"Any Solider with a suspected food allergy should seek medical evaluation and speak with a Military Dietitian for advice prior to deployment," McClung said. "Allergic symptoms vary from gastrointestinal bloating, abdominal pain, skin irritations such as hives, rashes, eczema, to more severe symptoms like migraine headaches, anaphylaxis or loss of consciousness."

-30-

SIDEBAR

Interested in ordering MREs from My Own Meal®
The exact procedure is unique to each service, but here is some general information to get the ball rolling. The NSN for the Kosher Ration is 8970-01-E10-0001. The point of contact is Tom Carlin at (215) 737-7348, DSN 444-7348 or by email at: Thomas.Carlin@dla.mil.

I love my job and emails I send my bosses

Dear gentlemen,

Who added that CAIR is, an organization that some have linked to terrorist organizations into my story Saturday on Somal and his family.

It should have read;

"The family's initial fear of reprisal was not unfounded, said Dawud Walid, executive director of the Michigan chapter of the Council on American-Islamic Relations, a Washtington-based Islamic civil rights and advocacy group."

A link to the full story: http://hollandsentinel.com/stories/090906/local_20060909020.shtml



If Kaufman from FrontPageMagazine.com was our source, well we have a problem. Saying that CAIR is a front for Islamic-terrorists or linked to said groups, I believe, is similar to saying the ADL or JUF, is "an organization that some have linked to a terrorist organization" because the organizations give money to Israel. (A country whose government many people, in the U.S. and abroad call a terrorist organization) A statement, I believe, is just as false as accusing CAIR of being a front for terrorists.
Not to mention, was it paramount to this story?
Also someone cut out the part from the Southern Poverty Law Center that explains why Walid made the statement that he did.
I offered to come in on Friday morning and continue working on this story? Why didn't anyone phone me? Why didn't anyone ask? I had my cell phone while I was "playing" Army.

Further more, when Ahmed Rehab, the executive director for the Chicago chapter of CAIR, said that the Muslim community is in a battle between perception and reality, he was talking about this moment right here.
Many of the terms which are used by the media because someone "official" uses them are in fact false: i.e. Islamofascists.
I agreed with Rehab when he said that the term, "Islamofascists" ( often used by our fearless leader) is inaccurate on two accounts.
One it lets one percent of the world's Muslims define Islam for the other 99.9 percent of the world's Muslim community. And two Webster defines fascism as "a political philosophy, movement, or regime (as that of the Fascisti) that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition"[3]. Which precludes the people in question would have to have a country at most; a dictatorial leader at least.

Just because our President or some Jewish-schmuck thinks that CAIR is a "terrorist" organization doesn't mean that it is true. In fact, I believe, it's our job not to perpetuate untruths. You're killing me. Oy, already!

I'm sure we'll talk about this some more soon. Thanks for reading.
Olivia

Chaos, Hope, and Love

I sit here before you a broken woman. My heart cracked, chipped and scratched. My dream job ripped from my hands.
But I must eke a life out of the chaos - faith, hope and love will carry me through. What choice do I have?
My real fear is that I will never leave Holland. It's not that Holland is a bad place. It's a great place to raise children but I don't have children. I'm not even married. Ergo Holland not such a good place to live for me.
I have to remind myself I didn't give up when my first mentor told me that I could never be a daily reporter because I was dyslexic. Yes, boys and girls I am truly dyslexic - I recently could "see" the different between council and counsel. They had always looked the same until this week when something just didn't seem right with a sentence in my story. I looked up council in the dictionary and saw a reference to counsel. Slowly I wrote each word out and said them a couple dozen times over and over again making sure to annunciate each as I moved my finger from letter to letter.
I have to remind myself that I didn't give up then or any of the other times someone told me that I couldn't do something. I have to remember that I have always worked harder than anyone else and that is one of my greatest gift. And everyday I learn more I become a better reporter and writer.
But not all was lost, hopefully. I got some good advice. And hopefully in a few weeks I will have a better idea of the steps I need to take to get closer to my "dream job."
At least that's what I tell myself to help me get through the night.