Me and my sticky notes
I love sticky notes. I write everything down on them, epiphanies I have, weekly lists of stories I'm working on and daily to-do lists.
My most recent, flying from the top of my laptop like a banner, is an epiphany:
"I'm the toy men play with before they get married - I'm their last Hurrah!"
Over the last six months when I've opened my yahoo account I've been welcomed by a slue of emails from ex-boyfriends who now want to share photos of their children and dispense love advice. It's not that I'm not happy to hear from them or that their children aren't cute.
It's just exhausting rehashing these old relationships through the rosy-colored glasses of time. It's not that I mind being told how inspirational and magnetic I was or how I provided a way for them to talk and open up like they had never done before. But it begs the questions why didn't they stick around? Rationally, I realize the only answer to that question is: We just weren't a good match.
But in moments when I am particularly lonely and impatient for the arrival of Mr. Right it is harder to hear that more rational voice and I end up driving down the highway screaming angry-woman music at the top of my lungs. Pushing the gas petal into the floor is both terrifying and liberating. I grip the steering wheel at 3 and 9 and feel invincible as I sing:
I COULD BE SO JEALOUS OF SOMEONE LIKE ME. SOMEONE HAS IT ALL YET THEY JUST DON'T SEE.
I SHOUT OUT ACCEPTANCE SO I WON'T GET HURT AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE WHO WILL TREAT ME LIKE DIRT
TREAT ME LIKE DIRT ... ... ...
(Patti Rothberg - Treat Me Like Dirt)
But it doesn't last, half way home I round a bend and hit traffic. I pump the break. And as the speedometer drops, my anger falls away from me leaving me chilled in the 90 degree heat. I whisper:
Will I need you like the brand new morning sun or will I grow to hate you like all the other ones?
(Patti Rothberg - Perfect Strangers)
I was grateful for the snail pace of the traffic as tears blurred my eyes and sobs shook my body. Finally, I dug a paper napkin out from under the passenger seat and wiped my face, took a deep breath, and continued singing:
It's alright I know I'm going to live because I know you gave the best that you could give.
(Patti Rothberg - It's Alright)
And as I sang the words, I started to believe them. The traffic speed up and I stuck my arm out the window to feel the force of the air as it blew past me. I'm worth the wait, I continue to tell myself, a little more confident with each passing mile. I'm worth the wait.
Life is a dream I'm going to give it a try. Because now is the time to change your ways, now is the rest of your days ... no more hanging on to yesterday
(Patti Rothberg - Change You Ways)
More of my sticky notes for your amusement:
I'm like a 2-year-old I'm uncomfortable without boundaries ...
"Nothing other people do is because of me - it's because of them." Don
Miguel Ruiz
"The boys are teasing Hello Kitty because her head is so big ... I told them it's big cause she's so smart and nice. It makes her so beautiful."
Teagan Knapp, 6
"Wounds breed self-absorption; that is simply human." Olivia to Jeff Sabatini
Holiday week: 32hr work week, day off paid 8 hrs, ONLY WORK 32hrs - note to self
Sycophant: a servile self-seeker who attempts to win favor by flattering influential people
Axiom: Universal truth
Curmudgeons - I've dated some
Percentage of increase: 2003=137 /2004=153 diff-16 16/137=.12x100=12 percent increase
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